Now I know that many of you out there enjoy Linkin Park but personally I find them more annoying than Celine Dion smacking her fist into her chest during her performances. What the fuck is she doing anyways- attempting to restart her heart or auditioning for a Planet of the Apes prequel?
Linkin Park's music makes me yearn for a duet between Chumbawamba and the Baha Men (Who gets knocked down & lets the dogs out/ Who who who's never gonna keep me down?)
How do you think they came up with this winning formula? What formula you might ask? I'm referring to the whole "Jackass #1 sings the verses slowly in a quiet/whisper/melancholy voice while Jackass #2 screams the fucking chorus in an octave that is more ear-drum piercing than Fran Drecher laughing while scratching a chalkboard.
I'm not saying that Linkin Park is the worst band ever- I'm just saying that I'd rather have my teeth drilled while a rabid chihuahua knaw's on my nutsack- than listen to their music.
And fuck you people that cop out by saying that you enjoy Linkin Park for the beat/music as oppose to the lyrics. Thats as believable as saying you enjoy cigarettes for the cancer. I mean if you like them- just admit it- no need to be shy fuckface!
The only thing that sucks more than Linkin Park is (yes there is actually something that sucks more) is the billion clone bands that follow their same formula. But you know what they say- if you can't beat them, join them! So if you detest Linkin Park as much as I do then I suggest creating your own Linkin Park clone band in retaliation.
Its actually pretty easy. First off make sure you name your band something incredibly fucking stupid. This can be achieved many ways, but the most popular way is to misspell a word that already exists (eg "Linkin" in Linkin Park or "Mudd" in Puddle of Mudd). Puddle of Mudd spells Mud with two D's- that shows that those guys are fucking hardcore- you don't wanna mess with them!
Secondly, you need to have two singers- one dude that sings quietly and another that yells their fucking head off. If you can't afford two singers (or you don't have that many friends you fucking loser) then fear not! Both of these singers can be the SAME PERSON! Don't worry, you don't need the vocal range of that fucking hyena Christina Aguilera to pull it off. After your vocals are doctored up in the studio with crazy synthetic noises, nobody will be able to tell the difference.
Next, find a dude to do your turntables. No new craptacular pseudo-rock band is complete without one. I'll help if this DJ dude can also draw, so when its time to make music video's he can make some neat jap. anime vids with robots attacking eachother, which has nothing to do with the song. Not only will the cool graphics take the focus off of how shitty your song is, but it will also dazzle little kids into thinking you are uber cool like some of that Digimon Yu-gi-oh bullshit. Fuck, you might even win a VMA or two.
The most important thing for your Linkin Park clone is the lyrics. I know what you're thinking- "GC you think their lyrics are garbage- how can it be the most important thing?!" You silly bastard- can't you see? The most important thing is that the lyrics are garbage! Beauty in simplicity- don't confuse your target audience of 15 year olds with any words over 2-syllables long. Scream alot of words like "hate, pain, crying, dying, lying" and you'll be all set. Throw in the occasionally blatent suicidal reference and you'll be certified platinum in no time.
You have to sing about the plight of teenage yuppie white kids, and how they are grossly misunderstood by society. These are the people that will be buying your cd's. And don't go assuming these kids don't have rough times. Just the other day I was in Starbucks and this teenage white kid with a nose ring , No Fear tattoo, wearing a Fubu jersey and long skater shorts (must be one of those new Punk/Thug hybrids) was fuming because he clearly ordered a cafe mochachino with moderate froth, and he was served a mochachino latte with light froth. They had to call in the SWAT team to diffuse the situation when he threatened to jab a coffee stirer in the cashier's eye.
If you like Linkin Park there is nothing wrong with that- afterall musical taste is subjective. But remember, at one time in history being a Nazi seemed like a super cool idea.