Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but what would drive a mild mannered musically tolerant person such as myself to hate an artist with such contempt? Well if you were asking yourself that question then you obviously have not heard a Nelly song. To clear things up, I’m not referring to Nelly Furtado (who also sucks), but to Nelly the rapper (or vocal defecationist as I like to call him) who is exponentially worse.

Some of you might be wondering, what’s there to hate about Nelly? The more appropriate question should be, what’s not to hate about Nelly. First of all, this guy’s debut album Country Grammar consisted mostly of songs about how much money he has. All of these songs were written and recorded before he sold a single cd. Nelly is the epitome of the “bling-bling” mentality that some rappers have. He raps about how much/many cars, women, jewelry, and money he has. I really don’t give a fuck about who he fucks, what car he drives, or how much money he’s made. To me he’s just some ugly dude that has horrible, horrible lyrics. His lyrics are one dimensional and uninventive. Let me give you an example of some of his lyrics that I obtained from his official website for accuracy- “Andele andele mami, E.I. E.I., Uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What's poppin tonight?”. What the fuck does that even mean? More like who gives a fuck what it means- I’ve passed gas that sounded better than that song. Another example is “You can find me, in St. Louis rollin on dubs, Smoking dubs in clubs, blowin up like cocoa puff”. Yeah I bet he’s blowin’ fucking cocoa puffs, he’s a little cocoa puff- fucking cocksmoker. Last but not least, “If your last name was Haynes, Only way you wear me out, Is stitch my name, On your pants, No resident of France, But you swear, I'm from Paris, 106 carats”. Okay, that lyric doesn’t even dignify a remark. Its awfulness speaks for itself.

Nelly sells millions of records- but has absolutely no talent whatsoever… wait maybe that was a little harsh- he has mastered the ability to incorporate “Uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!” into every one of his fucking songs- that has to count for something right? So how is Nelly able to sell so many records? Well the answer lies in marketing. His record label throws a lot of money towards advertising, music videos, and obtaining radioplay in key markets. And people eat this crap up… I swear with the marketing they have nowadays I bet they could make a polka album written and performed by Osama Bin Laden certified platinum. Kids would say- “I dunno who the dude with the beard is- but he sure can play a mean accordion- and check out those background dancers!”

So everyone do me a favor… fuck do yourselves a favor- and never buy another Nelly Album… tell a friend, have them tell a friend! Nelly is evil! Here is proof….